Man, this basketball is cheap.
It ain't coming back.
What do you expect? Mom got it free
when she bought the family-size cheese at cheap Charlie's.
Yeah, I guess I shouldn't complain.
We wouldn't have skateboards if it weren't for that sale on mayonnaise.
Moseby.
Ah, young Mr. Cavenaugh.
Haven't seen you in quite a while.
Where's my mom?
Your mother's charity luncheon is still in session.
They're debating the health benefits
of green tea versus chamomile.
Hope things don't come to a boil.
Never mind.
Mr. moseby, think you could open the ice cream bar
a bit early today?
Absolutely not. There is no--
I could go for an ice cream.
Consider it open.
Let me call our frozen confections engineer.
Thanks, man. That was awesome.
You need anything else?
Yeah. A basketball that comes back up
after it hits the ground.
Well, why don't you come back to my place?
I've got dozens of basketballs and a regulation court.
You have a basketball court outside your house?
Inside, right next to the bowling alley.
Tell mom I'm taking the car.
You have a car?
Well, if you consider a stretch limo
with a hot tub and a big-screen tv a car, then yeah.
Dude, where have you been all my life?
Hot tub. Called it.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Woman: Now, class, we will be discussing
the responsibility that comes with parenthood.
In preparation...
This weekend each of you will be taking care
of one of these.
We have to take care of a doll?
Oh, not a doll.
This is a high-tech baby simulator.
It must be fed, changed, and nurtured.
Just like a real baby.
And if you don't, it will cry,
and I will know.
You mean...
No, dear. There's a recorder inside.
Now, each of you will be paired
with a partner.
Ooh, can I have London?
Ooh, no.
I deal with babies all the time.
This will be a cinch. Hello, "a."
London, you will be partnered with maddie.
Good-bye, "a."
It's so cute.
Wow. I'm starting to feel motherly maternal-type feelings.
[Crying]
It wants you.
Great game, Zack. You're an awesome player.
Thanks.
Well, I would've done better, but my gel insoles were leaking.
Cool. Slot cars.
Wow. These trees are so life-like.
Are those Douglas fir?
No. They're even more rare. They're plastic.
Man, Zack, you're tearing up the track.
Thanks. It's all in the finger.
Cody, why are you driving so slow?
Well, I don't wanna exceed the speed limit.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna do that in a toy race car.
You might get stopped by a toy cop.
A toy cop. Man, that's classic.
Hey, Zack, can you grab me a soda?
Yeah. Where?
Soda fountain.
Oh, my.
He has a soda fountain in his room.
Cody: Do you have passion fruit tea?
No. And I don't have rice cakes either.
Here you go.
Ooh, and I threw in a spritz of vanilla for you.
Thanks.
Whoa.
You got the zedtek game system?
Yeah. You want it? I don't play it much anymore
now that I've got the zed 2 in my den.
Thanks, man. You're awesome.
Hey, cool skateboard.
Take it. I got 15 just like it.
You wanna go try it out on the vert ramp I got in the backyard?
Sure.
I've got to go work on my speech.
But you guys go ahead.
I got to hit the library anyway.
I'm representing the eighth grade in a big competition.
So you two go get your exercise.
I'll be flexing the old coconut.
Oh, what a beautiful baby.
Who's the mommy?
Both: We are.
It's a doll.
We're practicing what it's like to be parents for health class.
I know all about being a parent.
I remember when Dudley took his first steps.
Dudley's your pet chicken.
And I remember his first words, too.
Bawk-bawk-bawk, bawk! Bawk! Bawk!
Bawk!
What a smart chicken.
I know. Isn't he?
Time to go shopping for London, Jr.
We are not calling it London, Jr.
Why not?
Uh, because he's a boy.
How do you know?
Uh, because I've been the one changing his diapers.
Don't you think we should be dividing up the responsibilities?
We are. You take care of him and I buy him stuff.
Yay, London, Jr.
[Crying]
That's not his name.
[Crying]
Now look what you did.
Me?
Ladies, why do you have a crying baby in my lobby?
It's not a baby. It's our homework assignment.
Is there any way you can get your homework assignment to shut up?
We're trying.
She's crying because maddie woke him up by yelling.
Or maybe he's crying because you refuse
to feed, change, or touch him.
Hello. Manicure.
Just give me that.
How do you turn the thing off?
Oh!
[Crying]
He's not a real baby.
Trust me. I love children.
Let me hold your baby!
Hey, Cody, wanna go see a movie?
Killer koala opened downtown.
I don't know.
I really got to work on my speech.
It's very important.
First prize is a golden tongue.
Come on.
We're talking about cute, furry, woodland creatures
wreaking havoc on an unsuspecting public.
Well, I guess a break won't hurt.
I'll go grab my turtleneck
so I can hide my eyes during the scary parts.
[Knocking]
Come in.
Oh, hey, Theo, what's up?
I got 2 tickets for the celtics game. Wanna go?
2 tickets, huh?
Well, Cody and I were going to see killer koala.
Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.
These are floor seats.
Are you kidding?
Close enough for them to sweat on us?
And if we're lucky, bleed.
Ok, I'm in.
Hey, Zack, I brought my sweater with the big pockets
so we can bring our own popcorn and save money, too.
Oh, hi, Theo.
Yeah, about that. Change of plans.
Theo's got tickets to the celtics game.
Oh, cool. I'll go grab my "defense" sign.
It's a capital "d" and then a picket fence.
I only have 2 tickets.
But you would've been my third choice.
But you have to do your speech thing,
so it's cool, right?
Uh, yeah. I guess so.
Come on, Zack. We don't wanna miss shootaround.
I got to tell my mom.
Want my d-fence sign?
That's ok. I've already got my "I'm a dork" t-shirt in the car.
So, fellow Americans,
look in the mirror and ask yourself,
"am I happy?"
Like it?
Hmm?
Guess not.
I'm sorry, Cody. It's just that I'm exhausted.
I was up all night taking care of the baby.
What baby? I didn't even know you got married.
Please, Cody, I'm only 16,
and I've never even kissed a boy.
Oh, please. Save it for the nuns.
I'm talking about the baby simulator
London and I have to take care of for health class.
Thank goodness she's finally helping out.
Maddie, I bought London, Jr.
The most adorable cashmere sweater.
It's what all the best-dressed baby simulators are wearing.
I know it's a little big,
but I figure he'll grow into it.
Ok. 2 things.
1--he's a doll.
He's not growing into anything.
2--where is he?
Calm down. He's fine. He's with the nanny.
Nanny? You left our baby with a nanny?
What? I had 22 nannies, and I turned out just fine.
London, you're missing the whole point of the assignment.
We're supposed to be taking care of the baby ourselves
to learn responsibility.
But I am being responsible.
I installed a nanny cam on the stroller.
Don't you want your baba?
Look. Nanny Esteban likes it.
[Crying]
Esteban is our nanny?
The man's best friend is poultry.
Hey, guys, we're here for our playdate.
London, I named my son after you.
For the last time, his name is lebron.
And guess what. You're the godmother.
Oh!
Godmother? She can't even mother her own child.
She handed him off to a nanny.
Ooh, is she good? Can I have her number?
This is ridiculous.
We are supposed to be the ones taking care of him.
But I am taking care of him.
I didn't see you starting a trust fund.
Esteban, please bring over that suitcase.
But I'm with child.
Get over here with that suitcase
if you wanna be with paycheck.
Oh, right away, Mr. moseby.
No! No!
Are you ok?
Thanks. I'm fine.
Not you. The hair to the tipton fortune.
It's "heir."
And he's fine, no thanks to you.
So you still think a nanny's a good idea?
Esteban, you're fired.
As the nanny or as the bellboy?
As the nanny.
But the day is young.
I've had it with you.
You have the parenting skills of a toaster.
Tonight I am going to stay with you
and make sure you start pulling your weight in this relationship
and take care of our baby.
I'm not gonna let your bad parenting cost me a grade.
Ok, but after we get our "a" on this assignment,
I want a divorce.
Fine.
So how was the game?
Ah, nothing special.
Really? 'Cause I listened to it on the radio,
and the celtics won on a 65-foot shot
in double overtime.
Ho-hum.
So how is the speech thing coming?
You'll hear Monday night.
Ooh, is it this Monday?
It always has been.
It's been up on the fridge for 3 weeks.
Well, this Monday Theo's got tickets
to the Black Eyed Peas concert.
He and the peas go way back.
He knew them when they were the pods.
But I'll bring you back a fergie bobblehead.
Don't bother.
Have fun with your new best friend.
Aw, come on, buddy, don't be like that.
Cody, bone finger?
Ow.
Ok, the bottle and the milk are heated up.
Now can I feed him?
No. First you have to test it on skin.
Oh.
Is it ok?
It's fine.
Just feed him.
Sister Dominick had to pair me with you. Darn nun.
There. I said it.
I cursed a nun, and I don't care. Darn nun.
[Crying]
Why is he crying now?
Well, he probably has gas.
Babies need to be burped to get the air out.
You have to lightly tap him on his back.
Oh.
[Gasps] Hey, he stopped crying.
I did it. Yay, me.
Remind me not to ask you to change his diaper.
Hey, Cody, how's the speech coming?
Great. Thanks.
I've got 3 metaphors, 2 analogies, and a simile.
I can't wait to hear it. I'm a sucker for a good simile.
I'm glad someone will be there because Zack's too busy.
What do you mean?
He only has time for Theo now.
Ever since he started hanging out with that guy,
he's become completely different.
Honey, I think you're exaggerating a little bit.
Hey, mom, have you seen my gold watch with the diamond accents?
We need to talk.
You bet we do.
Cody, go to your room. Work on your speech.
Fine.
But the muse is gone.
What is this? You're not coming to Cody's speech?
I got plans. Theo and I are going to see a concert tonight.
But he's been to all the special events in your life.
He sits there and watches all your basketball games, all your baseball games--
he's on the team.
Yeah, but he never plays.
And he gave you a standing ovation
when you won the award for most improved in remedial math.
It's just one speech, mom.
What's the big deal? I told him I'd bring him back a bobblehead.
He can't be bought with a bobblehead.
Now, material things will not solve all your problems.
Works for Theo.
I had a boyfriend once.
Oh, no. Here it comes.
He used to shower me with stuff--
rings, bracelets, necklaces,
clothes, shoes--
and there was this one pair of earrings--
mom-- sorry.
One day I realized I really didn't like him.
What I really liked were the things he gave me.
So you broke up with him?
No. He dumped me.
But that's not the point.
The point is, your friendship shouldn't be for sale.
So are you saying you're going to make me miss the concert
and go to Cody's speech?
No. But while you're disappointing your brother,
I want you to think about whether or not Theo is a real friend.
So I can go to the concert?
If you think that's the right thing to do.
So I can go to the concert?
If you really want to.
So I can go to the concert?
If you can live with yourself.
I can. Ok.
I'm going. Then go.
All right.
But... While you're going,
you think about you're disappointing your bro--
I have got to get better at this guilt thing.
[Crying]
[Both groaning]
Maddie, baby.
London, your turn.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
I am so tired,
no amount of money could get me up.
A thousand?
Rise and shine.
[Crying]
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Here. Now, pay up.
It's ok, London, Jr.
Don't cry.
I don't think asking him is going to help.
He's been crying for 2 days straight.
Here.
Get the pacifier.
[Both sigh]
[Crying]
Now what are we gonna do?
I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?
I mean besides the Swiss boarding school.
[Knocking]
Ladies, I am getting all sorts of complaints.
We don't know what to do.
He won't stop crying.
Fine. Then I'll tear out its batteries.
Don't you touch our baby.
He's a doll.
You bet he is,
and you're not touching a hair on his wittle head.
It's not the hair on his wittle head.
It's just making it worse.
Just give him to me.
Give him to me. He wants his mommy.
I'm his mommy, too.
I buy nicer things. He likes me more.
I actually take care of him.
You're hurting him. You're hurting him.
Just let go.
[Whoosh]
I miss that little baby. He was so cute.
Although the crying gave me a headache.
Good-bye, my little London.
For the last time, his name is lebron.
What did you do, play hockey with this baby?
No. He fell out of a window.
We kind of got in a little argument over our parenting styles.
I guess we got so caught up arguing that we forgot about the baby.
We were both probably a little irritable
'cause we hadn't slept for 2 days.
And the baby didn't stop crying the whole time.
Until he hit the ground.
The truth is,
we just couldn't handle it.
We're not ready to be parents.
So just go ahead and fail us.
Fail you?
You completely understood the purpose of this assignment.
A-plus.
London: She had to pair me with you. Darn nun.
There. I said it.
I cursed a nun, and I don't care.
Darn nun. Darn nun. Darn nun.
Kids.
They say the darndest things.
There you are. What took you so long?
What took me so long is that you called me
and asked me to pick up all this stuff on my way here.
I had to go to 3 stores just to find your cat's favorite--
caviar and bits.
The new formula?
New formula?
Never mind. We're late for the concert.
Let's get going.
Yeah. You know, the peas don't go on until 9:00.
So I was thinking on the way there,
maybe could we stop by my school and hear Cody's speech?
Yeah. Then we could go to the park and watch grass die.
Look, I know it's not exciting,
but he is my brother, and it means a lot to him.
Who cares about Cody? You're hanging out with me now.
Here. Put this under your shirt.
I wanna tape the concert.
Isn't that illegal?
That's why it's under your shirt.
You know, I'm not sure I wanna go anywhere with you.
Fine. Why don't you go hang out with your lame brother?
My brother may be lame
and a geek and a weenie
and he flosses between every bite
and--what are we talking about again?
Oh, yeah.
Theo, you can't insult my brother
and you can't buy my friendship.
What are you saying?
I'm saying we're through.
Excuse me.
I only give jam force maxes to my friends.
Take 'em.
And the sweat suit.
Ok, fine.
And the pants.
Ahem.
I believe the bling bling is mine mine.
At least now I can leave with my dignity.
I'm nervous, mom.
What if I get in front of the audience and freeze up?
Well, there's an old trick that always worked for me.
Just picture the audience in their underwear.
Hey, it works.
Honey, where are the rest of your clothes?
I gave them back to Theo.
The price was too high.
So you're coming to my speech?
Absolutely.
So my guilt thing worked?
Yes, mom.
I've learned 2 things today
is that 1-- you can't buy friendship,
and 2--city bus drivers take pity on you
when you're half naked.